IMPORTANT TIPS ON A HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

 
 AM I IN AN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
It Feels Like Love – But Is It?
Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who’s right for you — and who thinks you’re right for him or her! So when it happens, you’re usually so psyched that you don’t even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn’t do your reading to give you a pop quiz.
It’s totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn’t as healthy as it should be.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that’s the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:
Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you’re acting like someone you’re not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you’re not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person’s boundaries.
Trust. You’re talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you’d never cheat on him? It’s OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There’s no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don’t trust each other.
Honesty: This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it’s tough to trust someone when one of you isn’t being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you’ll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support: It’s not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can’t take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
Fairness/equality: You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner’s friends as often as you hang out with yours? It’s not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you’ll know if it isn’t a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
Separate identities: In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
Good communication: You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase “no, nothing’s wrong” can have, depending on who’s saying it! But what’s important is to ask if you’re not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you’re afraid it’s not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you’re ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.
What’s an Unhealthy Relationship?
A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It’s not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.
Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn’t yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who’s been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.
WARNING SIGNS
When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it’s an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:
get angry when I don’t drop everything for him or her?
criticize the way I look or dress, and say I’ll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?
These aren’t the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it’s time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what’s going on and make sure you’re safe.
It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn’t want to do.
Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?
Ever heard about how it’s hard for someone to love you when you don’t love yourself? It’s a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t there to make you feel good about yourself if you can’t do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don’t take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else’s happiness.
What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it’s a healthy match for you. Someone who’s not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.
Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don’t have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else’s feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don’t worry if you’re just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.
Ever notice that some teen relationships don’t last very long? It’s no wonder — you’re still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there’s a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you’ve outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.
Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember that it’s good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you’re still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.
Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you’re already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you’re in brings out the best in both of you.

Dating a married woman – is it really for you?

We live in a day and age where dating has become one of America’s favorite past-times.  So much so in fact that dating is no longer limited to the single girl or guy. We’re also living in a time where monogamy and the sanctity of marriage is becoming less and less recognized, and even worse, less revered.
With the advent of the Internet and technology, the married force is finding it even easier to play when the cat’s away (or simply not looking).  Some people even hunt and seek out the married individual, thinking that dating a married woman or man will be fun.  With thrill seeking topping the lists of enjoyment in the dating world, there is nothing more exciting than dating someone with the potential of getting caught.
nfidelity may be one of today’s leading causes of divorce, however, this does not mean that every marriage that experiences infidelity will end up in divorce.  On the other hand, cheating may be an excellent way for a woman to crawl her way out of a marriage she is no longer interested in   For the man that is looking for a married woman to have some fun with, he needs to be careful.  He may find himself involved with a woman he only wants to have fun with, and end up with so much more. Or, he may end up falling in love with a woman who will always love another man.
But the fact remains, more and more married women are looking for something to spice up their lives.  They have fallen into the rut of the day to day regime of their marriages, and are bored, neglected, lacking a sex life, seeking thrills, or even sometimes, seeking revenge on their OWN cheating spouse.  Married women to the dating man represents the forbidden.  And men always want what they can’t have.  If a man can steal another woman away from her husband, even if it’s only for a few hours, he will have felt like he conquered a battle.  And for a man, there is no greater reward.
Women on the other hand are lacking emotional bonds and are looking for someone that will make them feel pretty, loved, adored, worshipped even.  According to an MSNBC.com Lust, Love, and Loyalty survey, the motives behind a woman’s infidelity will stem from a strong need for emotional attention.  40% of women surveyed indicated more attention emotionally was the driving factor behind their infidelity.  33% of women also want to be reassured that they are desirable, and this may indicate that sometimes just having a man pay attention to them is enough to get the rails of infidelity going.  This is why getting involved with a married woman is so easy for today’s single man. They are an easy hook. Just pay them the right compliment at the right time, and they will be swooning in a New York Minute.
The women in the MSNBC survey also indicated they were more likely to cheat just once.  This is why it is so important that men looking for a married woman to ‘mess around with’ needs to be very careful.  For the woman he is playing with, there are emotions involved. She will not just become attached to him emotionally, but will also suffer the dichotomy of still being attached to the man with whom she has promised the rest of her life.
Men and women fundamentally think differently when it comes to relationships, and so the man that is getting involved with the married woman needs to understand these differences.  These differences are especially important if the man is only looking for some fun.  Men will seek out any relationship, married or otherwise, with the initial intent of biological release.  They will connect with women they have chemistry with, are attracted to, and ultimately, want a sexual affair with.  For some men, these relationships evolve into an emotional bond over time.  For women however, the emotions come first, the sex comes second.
When a man is getting involved with a married women, he may think it’s an easy sell.  He will be able to have his cake, and send her home too without any concerns of commitment, longevity, or the dreaded ‘Where is this going’ talk.  Married women on the other hand will connect with the man emotionally right from the get-go.  From that instant connection a void for this woman will be filled, and she will want to keep coming back to this man to ensure he continues to fill this emotional gap she has with her spouse.  This does not mean she will leave her husband, and it does not mean that she won’t.  Because the single man involved with this woman will never know this for sure, he needs to tread on eggshells, or high tail the situation all together.
Even if you ask your married woman friend how she is feeling, what is happening with her marriage, do not expect her to tell her the truth.  Remember, that your relationship with this woman, whether it is only physical or otherwise, has been founded on a lie. A lie that she is telling, or keeping, from her husband.  She may tell you the truth, but it is better to err on the side of caution, and assume she’s not.  The reason for this is in many cases, married women that are cheating simply are not clear on what they want, and so they will tell the man they are with (this includes both their date and their husband) exactly what they want to hear. Why? Because women are experts at knowing what men want emotionally, and will give them exactly that, every time, until it is too late.
To say that dating a married woman will open up a can of worms for you is an emotional understatement. If you are looking for a simple fling or some thrill seeking without any hassles, don’t fool yourself into thinking the married woman is the easiest way to go.


FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP- DATING RULES, TIPS AND ADVICE


There are times in one’s life when a committed relationship just doesn’t make sense. When you’re busy trying to figure yourself out do you really need to be taking partial responsibility for someone else’s feelings at the same time? And what do you do when that the love of your life just doesn’t seem to be knocking on your door right now? Is going out of your way to pursue a soulmate and trying to force the issue really the best choice for companionship? Sometimes practicality calls for a mutually beneficial intimate relationship that just doesn’t require for all the romantic feelings and dedication associated with traditional relationships. Such is the nature of friends with benefits.
When it comes to establishing and maintaining friends with benefits relationship, you should keep certain things in mind. Always stay in tune with your emotions and also be aware of your partner’s. The moment feelings enter into the bond, the relationship ceases to be wholly casual. This is one of the primary dangers associated with attempting to become friends with benefits, as such relationships have a tendency to leave one partner or the other with a shattered heart. This pain can be avoided for the most part though so long as both parties just remain honest. If you find yourself developing feelings then speak up immediately. It’s better to take the possible rejection early than to get yourself in deep feeling and then face rejection. After all; even if you’re rejected it’s only “half-rejection” as you got to have a sexual relationship anyway (and brag to your friends about it if you’d like).
Feel free to be active in the dating world while you have a friend with benefits. This will help to keep your partner from getting the notion that you want any sort of monogamous relationship (sometimes your honesty might fall on deaf ears and at other times your partner might be less than honest with you; actions always speak louder than words and dating other people just makes it apparent that you’re only interested in the friendship) and it allows you to enjoy the second best benefit (number one obviously being no strings attached sex) of being friends with benefits: freedom to have multiple partners.
Choose your partner wisely. If you’ve witnessed a friend going into hysterical sobbing fits or inexplicable party binges after losing relationships in the past, then he or she may not be ideally suited for the role you’re looking for. You want someone who you enjoy spending downtime with and who’s compatible with you, but most importantly you want someone who wants the same thing as you do. A girl who’s had an obvious crush on you for years or a guy who asked you out a long time ago but you turned him down might not be your best choice. Be reasonable and selective; the choice of partner is vital to the smoothness and fluidity of this kind of relationship.
Often it’s a good idea to try forming a friend with benefits relationship with a close acquaintance rather than a friend you’ve known and hung out with for years. There are two primary reasons for this. Firstly, no matter how many precautions you take, there will always be the risk of one partner getting attached, the other rejecting them, and the friendship coming to an end. If this happens with a close friend then it can be mutually painful as both parties lose someone they cared about. If it happens with more of an acquaintance then who cares? Secondly, if a girlfriend or boyfriend later down the road discovers that you used to sleep with one of your friends who you still hang out with, then tension and jealousy are pretty much inevitable. But you shouldn’t have too much trouble just cutting an acquaintance out of your life so this wouldn’t be an issue. Aim for your outer circle of friends (or even people you know who you might not even consider as your friends) rather than your inner circle.
Sometimes the wrong kinds of dialogue and interactions can sort of accidentally mold a relationship into something that you don’t want it to be. Refrain from using terms like “us” and “we” when talking to your friend with benefits. These might seem like harmless words that mean very little but some people (women particularly, but men with a romantic/clingy side as well) will absorb these kinds of terms (sometimes even subconsciously) and ultimately draw the wrong conclusions. Don’t ever talk about the future (outside of plans for tonight and very short term things like that) to your friend with benefits. At the end of the day, what you’re doing for the weekend or why you can’t hang out on Wednesday is just not your partner’s business. Don’t talk about your family, your aspirations, your flaws or anything else that’s particularly personal; this kind of intimate communication has the unwanted potential to make your partner fall for you. Breakfast together should be avoided at all cost; this is the meal of the married couple and belongs nowhere near a friends with benefits relationship. Within reason, dinner should probably be avoided as well. Stick to the occasional desserts and snacks and just don’t make eating together a big part of your relationship (unless it’s food that can be licked off of each other of course).
The dive into being friends with benefits can be a mutually advantageous venture with very few drawbacks. You can effectively prevent the loneliness that often comes with being single but without dealing with the limitations of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. So long as you just remain honest with your partner and bow out when the time is right you’re all but guaranteed to have a good time.

LETTING GO OF A RELATIONSHIP

To many of us, being successful in terms of a career is important, but equally so is being content and fulfilled in a good relationship. When we think we’ve found it, our happiness knows no bounds. And when it seems like it’s over, we go through a gamut of emotions – anger, despair, grief, sadness, and depression. We feel lost and adrift, unsure what our next move should be. It’s actually very clear. It’s akin to losing a near and dear one. And when that happens, the first step is to let go.
Letting go of a relationship (and a partner) that has meant everything to us isn’t the easiest thing to do. But it has to be done if we have to move on, for we cannot live in the present and look ahead to the future until we achieve closure on the past. How can we let go? Letting go of a relationship involves letting go of:
1. The feelings/emotions
The anger, animosity and resentment you may feel towards your partner, now your ex. There could be a sense of betrayal if he cheated on you, or if you were the one responsible for the break-up, a feeling of guilt. Don’t stifle your emotions and bottle them up, but allow yourself to grieve over the demise of what could have been and possibly was, something wonderful. But you have to set a time limit – you cannot keep wallowing in grief and sadness – it will get to be a habit.
2. Envisioning possibilities
Don’t dwell on what might-have-been. Letting go of a relationship involves recognizing that it was not meant to be and that you have to set new goals and build new dreams. Avoid having unrealistic expectations or hopes that you may get back together. Or that he would change and perhaps become the person you want him to be or your problems will just get sorted out. Realize that the relationship has run its course and it is time to let go.
3. Your dependency
Often when we have been in a relationship for some time – a few months, a year or several years – we tend to lose our identity. We get used to having the other person around and derive comfort from the familiar. It isn’t easy to start getting used to coming home to an empty house or having dinner by yourself. It is something you will have to steel yourself to do if you have to wean yourself from your dependence on the other person.
4. Idolizing the relationship
It’s easy when you’re not with someone any longer, and especially if you’re miserable on your own to miss all the good times you shared. Happy memories are to be cherished but not to the point where that’s all you think about and aren’t doing anything about making new ones. You must remember that if there was so much happiness in the relationship, chances are you’d still be together. You probably had some very serious problems and unhappy times – times when you wanted out and couldn’t bear being in the same room with your ex. These are the times you have to think about and realize that your best bet right now lies in letting go of the past and enjoying your single life.
5. All contact
It has to be a clean break. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to call her one last time or give it just one more try. Don’t keep calling up friends and asking them if he’s already seeing someone new or if she’s as depressed as you are. If you are serious about letting go of your relationship you have to carve out a new existence, one that has no room for old baggage.
6. Your fears
If you have to truly let go of a relationship, you have to forget your apprehensions and worries about being alone and how you’ll cope. And you also have to learn to trust again. Not just someone else but also yourself and your instincts. One, two or even more broken relationships doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off from loving again. After all, relationships may involve agony but they also involve ecstasy and life wouldn’t be complete without a healthy dose of both.
7. Generalizations
You cannot generalize and harbor false assumptions that just because your ex cheated on you, abused you or caused emotional damage, your next relationship/partner will follow suit. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush; after all there is such a thing as giving someone, and a new relationship, a fair chance.
8. Your sense of failure
Just as it takes two to tango and two hands to clap, it also takes two to makes a relationship work. Don’t berate yourself for what you could have done better or how you could have been more understanding. You’ve probably been terribly hurt but have also learnt a few valuable lessons about life and love in the process – something that will stand you in good stead for the journey ahead.
When you are ready to let go of a relationship and reconcile yourself to keeping the past in the past, you will experience an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders and a sense of accomplishment that you have come out of the whole experience a much stronger person.

10 Signs your Relationship is in Trouble

While most relationships begin with romantic hopes and promises of togetherness, time is unkind to many of them. Partners fall out over priorities, cheat on each other or simply drift away. The saddest part is that usually things can be worked out if issues are recognized and acknowledged early. So before it is too late look out for these ten signs which could indicate that your relationship is in trouble.


You no longer hurry home
Remember the time when you just couldn’t wait to meet your partner at the end of the day. You would count the hours and minutes before you could rush home to your love. But when things begin to go wrong, you may find your partner or yourself delaying coming back as much as possible. Either of you are likely to dawdle over the last assignment at work or join your co-workers for a drink. It is almost like you can’t face him or her or the prospect that there is nothing to look forward to in this relationship.
You don’t spend time together
One of the surest signs of trouble in a relationship is the lack of quality time spent with each other. Shared activities and interests are what act as a glue in a relationship once the first flush of romance is over. But if you find yourself no longer going out or planning activities with your partner, it is a red flag. Initially this may be masked in the form of overtime at work or unavoidable lunches with family or friends. However with time, even the façade of other commitments may fall off and you realize that you simply don’t want to each other anymore.
You’re not having as much sex as before
While sex is not the most important part of a relationship, not having it at all can signal an underlying problem. It is bad enough when one partner wants to make love while the other doesn’t. But even when both partners are alright with no sex, it indicates a loss of intimacy which cannot be healthy for a relationship. Lack of sex is not usually a cause in itself but a symptom of other issues wrecking a relationship like infidelity, differing priorities, insensitivity of one partner to another or health issues.
You fight over money
Together with sex, money ranks as among the top reasons why spouses go for a divorce. Not having enough money, different attitudes to saving and conflicting spending priorities can push a couple away from each other. Here once again fights over money can indicate other issues troubling a relationship. Your husband may not approve of your present traveling job and he may use your expenses as an excuse to mask his displeasure. Or your girlfriend may not like your friends and thus throw a fit when you decide to spend on hiking gear since she knows this means you are planning a trip with them.
You make separate plans
Being in a relationship means staying clued to your partner’s wishes, whether  in the short or long run. If you find yourself making plans for shopping or meeting friends which does not include your partner, it means there is a disconnect between you two. At the same time he/she may announce a desire for a weekend getaway knowing full well that you have an important presentation on Monday. When two people are in love, it does not mean that they always want to do the same things, but they give and take a little which ensures that they are in tune with each other. Whereas falling out of love makes couples disregard each other’s priorities and eggs them on to go alone.
There is more intolerance
Small quirks in each other which you may have found endearing at the beginning of your relationship may seem much more annoying now. This is because while couples are more understanding of each other when in love, they find it difficult to accept any imperfections, however little, as love wears away. So if your partner loved your way of whistling while you made coffee every morning, now the same action is enough to make him/her fly into a rage.
He/she makes disparaging remarks about your family

No matter how imperfect parents are, family is one area which demands respect in a relationship. You would never dream of beginning a relationship with a person who is disrespectful towards the people who brought you up. However when a couple cease to love each other, there may be snide remarks and sarcastic comments on families and by extension on particular ethnic, racial or religious backgrounds. This is as sure a sign as any that your partner no longer cares what you think of him/her and is likely to end the relationship
Your partner embarrasses/criticizes you before company
This is yet another indication that your partner has ceased to respect you as a person and couldn’t care less about your feelings of humiliation and anger. This attitude may take different forms like flirting with someone else in your full view, ignoring your input in a conversation or putting you down before everybody else. Whatever the particular form of expression, public humiliation is one of the surest ways of telling that this is over.
Your fight about everything
Every couple has a fight now and then. But if the periods when you are mad at your partner are longer than when you are OK, it means you both have a problem in your hands. Often there is no rhyme or reason to your fights. Any excuse will do as long as it is a way of venting your anger and frustration at each other.
you no longer talk about the future
Time was when you both would eagerly discuss where to buy a house, what places to go vacationing or even when to have kids. But when two people no longer share the same dreams or even talk about them, it is definite sign that each is going his/her own way
Ups and downs are normal phases in every relationship. The trick is to recognize the valleys before it is too late and prevent them from pulling your relationship downhill.


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